Never Leave College

A Recollection of What has Gone on in the Bowl World

2007-01-02T21:37:00.000-05:00

First, we've got another appropriately named bowl. Florida State appears in the Emerald Bowl. Emerald Nuts sponsors a bowl with a member of the Bowden family. And what the hell was going on with the announcers? This was like watching public access on cable. I swear whoever made the decision to have Dan Fouts as the PLAY BY PLAY ANNOUNCER really, and I can't stress really enough, dropped the ball here. One of his great calls? Something to the effect of "Booker looks like he's going to Hallelujah land." Wow. The only thing that would have been better would be Alabama in the Monster.com Independence Bowl. Speaking of Bama, the only thing I remember from that game was a commercial for the Wal-Mart Girls song. And this guy:

Sweet Jesus!

Tennessee. I'm pretty sure Fulmer just gives up if he's not playing in a BCS bowl. End of story.

Congrats to Bobby Knight

2007-01-02T21:14:00.000-05:00

Congrats to The General for win 880. We’re all glad for you, even the non-Texas Tech fans. Because we all are pretty sick and tired of ESPN running that “On the Brink of History” crap every other commercial. And during games.

Everyone, stand up and throw your chair for Coach Knight.

Oregon Football – The Only Reason I’m Glad that I Don’t have a HDTV

2006-12-22T17:20:00.000-05:00

Anyone who saw the Pioneer PureVision Las Vegas Bowl saw the latest step in Oregon’s quest to find the most hideous uniform combination in the history of football. Holy crap, take a look at this:

In what is unfortunately NOT a Photoshopped picture, the Ducks tried their hardest to give everyone in the stands (and watching at home) epileptic seizures that will last for days. While it may have been cheaper to give everyone in the stands acid, Oregon decided to…uh…um…damn it. I lost my train of thought just thinking about those glow in the dark ~~monstrosities~~ helmets. Flames. On a helmet. Unbelievable. I think the biggest irony of the whole deal may be that the bowl game was sponsored by an HDTV company.

Let’s look back at some of Oregon’s past ~~Halloween costumes~~ uniforms. There were the tops with at least 15 different shades of green mixed with neon yellow. Then this year, they added the chrome pattern on the shoulders and knees. And now the sun helmets. Throw in a couple of the players that are wearing yet another shade of yellow on their shoes and you’ve got Oregon football. Yikes.

What the hell is going on in Fayetteville?

2006-12-21T21:32:00.000-05:00

Alright, we all know that Houston Nutt couldn’t successfully coach his way to an SEC title. So no surprise there. Even though the genetic mutation in the backfield (McSuperman) kept it interesting. So what the heck is the news in the Arkansas camp now? Little league has taken the SEC by storm. Some of the players’ parents met with AD Frank Broyles to express concerns that they were “misled” during the recruiting process about how the offense would be run.

Hey, guess what? Offenses can evolve as the season progresses. Especially when the best passer on the team happens to be the super athlete that is your tailback. Now I don’t know what games these parents were watching, but for the rest of America that saw McFadden carry the Hog’s offense, it’s a no-brainer as to how the offense should have been run. And what the heck is Mustain’s complaint all about anyways? He had more playing time than any of the other quarterbacks in the Arkansas squad. I can only imagine the conversation between Mitch and his parents.

Since all that wasn’t enough, Damian Williams is on his way out. I don’t know how much Houston Nutt is getting paid, but it’s probably not enough.

And to top it all off, Arkansas has decided to change the lyrics to their fight song. Wow.

2006-12-13T07:38:00.000-05:00

Know what’s great about the numbers 16, 24, and 32 in college football? This. And this. And of course, this. The one thing that Division I-AA, Division II, and Division III football have on Division IA. A playoff system. As those brackets show, there are plenty of ways to work out a playoff system for major college football. Now don’t get me wrong. The BCS isn’t a complete waste. It has matched better teams for the national title. In years past, if there were only two undefeated teams, there was a chance that they might not even play for the national title because of conference tie-ins with certain bowl games. At least the BCS will match two teams if they are the only undefeated teams in the nation. Unless one of the teams is Boise State. But the problem is what if no team goes undefeated? What if three teams go undefeated? Remember the Auburn fiasco of 2004/5?

With a playoff system, there’s no way this happens. There’s no problem with having 3 or more undefeated teams. Hell, it just makes things that much more fun. While this mind blowing concept is lost on the ancients that actually control these things, the rest of us are left screaming “WHY?!?!” Another fun idea with a playoff is that all the schools that traditionally have no shot at a national title will at least have a chance. Let’s use Boise State, for example. This year, the Broncos are undefeated and not were not even considered to play for the national title. And that’s because of the strength of schedule factor. Well, that and the most exciting thing that usually happens in the Broncos stadium is the birds smacking the field. No, seriously. Because of the color of BS’s turf, birds have trouble figuring out that the turf isn’t water. So…SMACK!

Enjoy this blog while it's here, guys. NLC probably just pissed off PETA. Or just wait until PETA learns about what the blue turf does to birds. Boise will probably have to have --gasp-- green turf after that. Or maybe orange. This could be interesting.

Teams like Boise State should be lobbying the hardest for a playoff system. Since there apparently is no way in hell they’ll otherwise get into the title game.

Until there is a playoff system, the turf's
not the only thing that will always be blue
in Boise.

Heisman Trophy Presentation and the Hours Before...

2006-12-11T20:05:00.000-05:00

Congrats to Troy Smith of Ohio State for wrapping up the Heisman this past Saturday night. Another congrats should be given to all three finalists for staying awake for the 37 and a half hours that was the Heisman Trophy presentation. I don’t know how these guys stood it because after fifteen minutes in I was screaming, “Just freaking tell us! Who’s the damn winner?!?!”

If you happened to flip to ESPN Classic on Saturday before the presentation, they were showing games that the Heisman finalists played throughout the year. And who do they show against the McFadden Razorbacks? South Carolina, of course. Yep, those bastards at ESPN had to show Darren McFadden raping the Carolina defense. Again. Because it wasn’t bad enough the first time.

Darren McFadden runs through the South
Carolina defense. Again.

What were the other games shown? Brady Quinn against Michigan State. Remember that comeback that MSU just threw out there to Quinn and the Irish? Yep, that’s the one. Troy Smith against the Wolverines (which is probably the only game in recent memory to actually live up to the colossal hype surrounding the game). Notice a trend here? Basically, ESPN chose the game that was a signature game for the finalists. And here we are, McFadden’s launching pad to the Heisman. Fanfuckingtastic.

Walt Harris, "Whatever happened to 3 strikes?"

2006-12-05T18:26:00.000-05:00

Well, old Walt got sacked after the longest ever two year stint. After going 5 – 6 in year one and 1 – 11 this past year, the Cardinal AD gave Harris his marching orders. With all the excitement that comes with Stanford football, how could you not have expected more from the ex-coach? The Cardinal has standards, damn it! Just look at this crowd ready to go and brimming with optimism.

Because nothing says football greatness like Stanford Cardinal football.

SEC Championship

2006-12-04T18:04:00.000-05:00

Congrats to the Florida Gators for winning the SEC title game. The Gators should lose points for Urban Myer's constant bitching however. Instead, this seemed to be what put them into the BCS title game over Michigan. Can’t you just hear Urban Myer right up to the announcement? “The BCS system isn’t fair. Louisville, Boise State, Michigan, and our guys all have a claim to be in the title game. We all deserve a shot. Until there is a playoff, things are never going to be… What? We’re in?!?! Hell yeah! Playoff system? What playoff system? Screw that, the current system is just fine.”

Florida Gators head coach, Urban Myer.

Back to the game, how in the name of Zeus’s whore did the Florida defense keep ~~conquering hero, Attila the Hun,~~ Darren McFadden under 75 yards rushing? And Felix Jones under 60 in the same game? All this with Charlie Strong as the defensive coordinator. Wow. Simply, wow.

ACC Championship

2006-12-04T17:57:00.000-05:00

Wake Forest wins the ACC. Read it again and let that sink in. Something that only a few months ago sounded crazier than Mangino turning down a cheeseburger. 5 field goals in an offensive explosion in the Orange Bowl. What? That wasn’t the Orange Bowl? But the place was empty and everyone knows that the only empty stadium in Florida is the Orange Bowl. Oh. Whoops.

Mangino in real life and in EA's NCAA
Football. Wow, EA fucked up, big time.

I see that Jim Grobe has decided to keep Riley Skinner as his fullback/quarterback. The guy had more blocks than a supermodel at a bar. And Riley was still able to chunk the ball a good ways down the field on the game winning drive. Infuckingcredible. He’s like Darren McFadden, but without the superhuman genetic mutations that allow McFadden to play every position on the field except kicker. At the same time. And that kicker thing will probably be showcased in the Arkansas bowl game.

UCLA Over Southern Cal, Holy Crap!

2006-12-04T17:53:00.000-05:00

Major props to UCLA for knocking Southern Cal out of the BCS title game. The best part of the whole game could possibly be when John David Booty threw the pick at the very end and the camera man zoomed in on the girl with a Trojan shirt that said “Booty Call.” Genius marketing. You know you’re picturing it right now. A girl with a Trojans shirt that says booty call.

Maybe that girl needs to make this guy's day.

Gary Barnett, the Next Coach at Arizona State

2006-12-01T17:49:00.000-05:00

Even though he hasn’t been linked at Always Something Univ. yet, you know he’s the perfect candidate. Remember why Gary left the Buffs? Sex scandals. And what is ASU known for? Sex scandals. End of interview. When can you start?

Let’s go back down ~~mammary~~ memory lane. Barnett at Northwestern? Big 10 champs. Barnett at Colorado? Big 12 North champions 4 times and also a Big 12 winner. The perfect candidate to unseat Pete Carroll’s ass from the Pac 10 throne? Definitely. Because when sex scandals are already expected, they aren’t a hindrance. Just look at this quote from ESPN: “ ‘I definitely will go back if it's the right place, the right thing,’ Barnett said in a phone interview from his home in Arizona.” I know exactly what you all are thinking. “Sweet Jesus, he’s already in Arizona.” Exactly. And Gary, try to see if you can use Ms. Courtney ~~Cox~~ Simpson as a recruiting tool.

Use the porn star, Gary. Use it.

Mark my words, when Barnett is announced as the head coach at Arizona State, 99.9% of recruits that haven’t committed will immediately look at Arizona State. The man has a proven history and so does the university. 18 year old young men will be able to put this together.

A student at ASU just misses an
appearance by Courtney.

Super QB

2006-11-30T17:51:00.000-05:00

I know I’m late on this, but did anyone see the Wake Forest vs. Maryland game last week? Notice anything ~~insanely ridiculous~~ odd about many of Wake Forest’s rushing plays? How about ~~miniature fullback~~ QB Riley Skinner as the lead blocker? Now Jim Grobe is one hell of a coach to take Wake Forest as far as he has. I mean, this man is like Bob Stoops on coaching super steroids. But when you’ve already lost your starting quarterback for the entire season, is it wise to use the next guy in line as your lead blocker on a good bit of your rushing plays?

Should Miami go Bowling?

2006-11-30T10:52:00.000-05:00

Yes, Miami is 6 – 6 and going bowling. Hard to believe for two reasons. The obvious first reaction about why this is hard to believe is “I still can’t believe Miami has 6 losses.” The other reason why this is complete crap is because of ~~a very commonplace and acceptable (in Miami, only)~~ the October 14th incident. Florida International. Remember that? Anthony Reddick wielding his helmet like a battle ax? Whoever the hell that crazy bastard was that got into the fight and was swinging his crutches like a Viking warrior? The other nut that was out there pretending to be Hulk Hogan? And yet, after all that insanity, Miami is going to a bowl.

Just go back to 2004 in Clemson, SC when South Carolina and Clemson got into a bench clearing brawl. With both teams fielding multiple candidates for the Dumbass of the Year award, the two teams fought for several minutes while the Death Valley crowd cheered (yes, cheered) the gladiators on. And does anyone remember what happened that bowl season with both teams bowl eligible? Rightfully so, both universities had presidents that declined to send their teams to the post season. South Carolina issued their statement first and Clemson ~~decided it was right to follow the example~~ had their hand forced to do likewise. And what has the ACC learned from this event? Miami is bowling, so you figure it out. Way to really uphold moral integrity there, president Donna Shalalalala. John Swofford not stepping in? Yeah, I’d say that’s about par for the course.

PS - You just know Demetri Martin would have trouble with Shalala’s name as well (go to the 3:52 mark).

More Bama Rumors

2006-11-29T07:38:00.000-05:00

Since these guys have allegedly shot down the Tide, who's next?

Jimmy Johnson, Frank Beamer, Rich Rodriguez, and Bobby Petrino are rumored somewhere in cyberspace to be locked in to the Bama head job, all by ~~"reliable"~~ bullshit sources. Who the hell knows what rumor is going to come out next? There are so many rumors in Tuscaloosa that the only truth is that no one knows who the hell is going to take that job. I’m betting that the Red Elephants don't get any of these guys. None. Can't you just see some of the conversations with Mal Moore, AD at Bama?

Big Name Head Coach: I'll take the job.
Mal Moore: Really? That's great. When do you want to finalize everything?
Big Name Head Coach: Hell no! I'm just fucking with you.

If any of this sounds vaguely familiar, it's because this is the situation Bama was in after the Mike Price ~~internet glory story~~ scandal.

More Coaching News...

2006-11-28T00:13:00.000-05:00

Guess where this guy is headed?

That's exactly right, Detective Greenly! Bama fans, let it go. Miami fans, forget about it. Besides, Spurrier’s not going to leave a conference where he gets to coach against Fulmer. I swear I think he loves beating Tennessee more than any other team. NC State, ~~are you fucking kidding?!?!~~ not going to happen. And any other places that have coaching vacancies, you can keep dreaming. South Carolina is Steve’s last stop.

The Bloodshed Continues!

2006-11-28T00:09:00.000-05:00

Mike Shula, you’re up next. After four years as the Tide’s head man, Shula has been let go. With Mike Price having less losses than the articles of clothing on the strippers in front of him (OK, maybe the girl at the hotel was even), Mike Shula was never going to live up to this expectation in T town. I mean, for goodness sake, The Bear never lost a game. But still, come on. Just look at the brilliance this man has in a crowd and how he commands the attention in the room.

And does anyone remember this from last October? Just a touch premature maybe?

I am the Man? Two More Coaches get the Axe

2006-11-27T07:39:00.000-05:00

Chuck Amato is out at NC State. Well, this is just shocking news. Nothing says “job security” like losses to the Akron ~~Fighting Helen Kellers~~ Zips, North Carolina, and Least Carolina. Yep, you read those right. Just let that sink in. Akron. North Carolina. East Carolina. I hate that Chucky the Chest is leaving. I really do. You just can’t listen to this guy talk without laughing. Writers all over the state of North Carolina have to just be cursing their luck on this one. And too bad we won’t get any more of these:

Dirk Koetter of Always Something University (or Arizona State) had a harsher sending off. After leading the ~~Sin~~ Sun Devils to three consecutive bowls, Dirk was given his marching orders yesterday. Hey, at least he didn’t try his hand in the “adult” entertainment business. At least, he hasn’t yet. For those of you who have not heard about Courtney Cox, former (and I don’t think I can stress former enough) cheerleader at ASU, this young lady decided to take up “acting” in the adult entertainment field. Going by her new name of Courtney Simpson, the former cheer girl wore her ASU uniform in an XXX adult movie that had to have the administration of ASU just beaming with pride. The craziest part of the whole story has got to be why she thought that changing her last name from Cox to Simpson would help in her new profession. I only hope it was to avoid professional confusion with the “other” actress.

South Carolina - 31 "Clemmons" - 28

2006-11-26T14:58:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was the 104^th meeting of these hated rivals. A series that was halted after 1902 because Clemson students, upset after a 12 – 6 loss, decided to march onto Carolina’s campus armed with swords and bayonets. They quickly changed their minds when met at the entrance by Carolina students, bearing guns and rifles. A rivalry that has seen the 1961 Sigma Nu prank. And also, a rivalry that doesn’t get the national attention that it deserves.

Once again, it was that time of year. At noon, basically the entire Palmetto state shut down for a few hours as every native South Carolinian picks a side. Lou Holtz, master of annunciation, talks about the game on ESPN and calls Clemson “Clemmons.” Gamecock fans everywhere chuckle. Then, ESPN switches over from Gameday to ~~the world’s largest pumpkin patch~~ Death Valley. After a few hours and many crazy twists, South Carolina somehow manages to come through with a win. Later that evening, 3,000+ fans show up at Williams Brice Stadium to welcome home the victors. This is a long overdue scene.

Recap of this Weekend's Action

2006-11-26T14:44:00.000-05:00

The Big East tries to pull the ~~bullshit~~ parity card as South Florida beats West Virginia.

Texas A&M wins in Austin, improving Coach Franchione's record to 3 - 11 in November.

Pete Carroll shows Charlie Weiss who’s the true coaching genius.

Speaking of coaching genius, how in the hell do you lose your starting quarterback for the whole season and an absolute stud of a running back and still go play for your conference’s title game? Stand aside, Anne Sullivan. Enter the real miracle worker, Bob Stoops.

SEC > ACC with 3 rivalry games going to the SEC: Florida over Florida State, Georgia over Georgia Tech, and South Carolina over Clemson.

Wake Forest clinches a spot in the ACC title game, something that everyone predicted when the season started. Somewhere, some lucky bastard has taken Vegas to the bank.